SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
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How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Customize Your Wedding.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.