“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
is this store having a stroke wtf
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.