“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.