Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

Mistakes were made

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.