Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so, is there a mister shapen head

Bruh

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

respect

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!