Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

I’d hang this in my house.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies