Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

Covid like

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.