Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Mornin

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”