Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

these can’t be my only options

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.