Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.