Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
You Might Also Like
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Breaking news:
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
💀
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
first you must answer his riddles
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care