“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
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Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
The glory of fall.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.