Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework