Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The United Steaks of America

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine