Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

mumsnet is amazing

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

People buying plungers never look happy.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent