Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me