Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
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Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Worth a try
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
All set.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED