Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

*puts words between two asterisks*

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.