Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

The Onion called it…again.

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.