Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?