Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.