Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.