Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Hawk o the mornin tuah
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
