Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
