Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Saw online –

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up