Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

Well, this explains it:

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

😂👽

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?