Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

Finally

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.