Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party