Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

Denise please return my vape pen

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.