Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
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Wikigenius
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Ape together strong
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast