Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
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GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*