Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.