Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
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Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.