Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.