Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.