Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.