Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns