SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Love this one 😂🧟
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.