Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Liquor Store Parking

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.