Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

how many bears make up a bear minimum

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

a New Yorker reject, for you

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.