Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

When the stylist spins you back around

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!