Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

That’s a good costume, I hope.

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!