Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that