Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur