Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.