Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

Ugh but profoundly

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!