Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA