@10kbabyspiders

Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.

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@ThaJawn

4:*calls thing wrong name
Me:*corrects him
4:*repeats wrong name
Me:*corrects him
4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly

@Ophoenix1

I’ve been watching the Crime Investigation channel all day. Murder just seems like the easiest way to solve your problems.

@nerdreign

When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.

@starwarsshirt

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

@4SLars

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

@catstronomical

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

@P_o_n_k

[Praying mantis funeral]

PRIEST: He died doing what he loved

@abbycohenwl

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

@SleazySli

Speed dating has nothing to do with drugs. I know that now.

@FU_TangClan

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence