Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

I am absolutely never leaving this website

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Happy weekend !

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

he’ll never suspect a thing

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

Canada has crack?

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4