Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn what did I do next

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

❤️🦆

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.