Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

SCARY COSTUME

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.