Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
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People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
By Kate Hatos
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.