Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

Hang in there buddy

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

It’s that simple 👊🏻

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too