Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.