Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
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rapatouille
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?