Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?