Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Tier 3 meme

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.