Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

Wasps: bees, but not helping

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

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HEYYYY MACARENA