Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

JUMP

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My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

He’s dead

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous