son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
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My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.