son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
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You got this…
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Glasses
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Battery falling down a hole
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse