Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.