Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks