Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

Try and stop me.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

This could be us… but you playing

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?