Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

Husband of the year 😂

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.