Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Beauty and the Beast

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

584.

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.