Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

I’m going to need a moment here.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular