Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.