Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

😸

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent